Ten Things Every Married Couple Needs to Know About Sex
by Dave and Ashley Willis
Sex is one of the most powerful gifts God ever created. It was designed to bring a man and woman together in a physical, emotional and spiritual bond that would create, pleasure, intimacy and also procreation. Marriages that neglect or misuse this gift are headed for frustration and maybe even divorce.
I was reminded of this when some friends of mine were having a marriage crisis and headed for divorce. They had drifted far apart and felt that there was no marriage left. As a last effort, they decided to take a “30-Day Challenge” and committed to having sex every day for a month. By the end of the month, their marriage was stronger and their intimacy was reignited. Their marriage had new momentum which has carried them forward. They’re the first to say that “it takes a lot more than sex to build a strong marriage, but it’s impossible to build a strong marriage without it!”.
Better sex in your marriage requires having the right mindset and establishing the right habits. These ten facts don’t represent a comprehensive list, but this is a great start! If you’ll apply these ten things in your marriage, I believe your sex life will instantly and dramatically improve!
1. You should probably be having more of it.
Healthy couples make sex a priority. I’m convinced that many (if not most) arguments in marriage stem from sexual frustration. When this aspect of the relationship is neglected, the marriage will start to deteriorate even when other areas of the marriage seem to be going strong. When you make love, you’re making your marriage stronger.
2. Most men see sex as a form of stress relief, BUT most women need stress relief BEFORE they can be in the mindset to make love.
There are neurological reasons for these differences and this is also proof that God has a sense of humor! A husband and wife need to be in tune to each others’ needs and desires and selflessly strive to serve each other. Men and women tend to be wired up differently and each person has his or her own wiring that often supersedes these broader generalizations. Get to know each other. Don’t make assumptions. COMMUNICATE and your sex life will improve. For more on this, check out “7 Days to a Stronger Marriage” by clicking here.
3. Remember that foreplay is an ALL-DAY EVENT.
Foreplay doesn’t begin five minutes before you’re hoping to get it on. It should begin the moment you wake up in the morning. Every text message, every hug, every act of service, every phone call, every wink, every kiss, every “I love you,” and every interaction with each other is an opportunity to make a connection that could culminate in a great climax for you both!
4. Men, if you want to get your wife in the mood, try “Chore-Play.” Do the dishes or fold some laundry.
Most men are visual. Seeing their wife in lingerie is enough to instantly get in the mood. Most women are more complex in their process of becoming aroused. Sure, ladies want their man to look his best, but she also wants her mental to-do list to be clear so she can focus (like we addressed in #2). Guys, you can help her get in the mindset by doing some household chores. You’ll never look hotter in her eyes than when she catches you doing the dishes or folding some laundry!
5. Most people have some sexual “baggage” that they haven’t fully discussed with their spouse. Bringing this out into the open could lead to a positive breakthrough in your sex life and in your marriage.
I’ve interacted with married couples for years, and I’ve found that there are a lot of sexual secrets spouses keep from each other. Some of these secrets are the result of past abuse and some are the result of past choices. Some of these secrets can also stem from fantasies that one spouse is afraid to say out loud for fear of judgment or rejection. The bottom line is that you need to talk about all of these things with your spouse. Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy. If you want to grow closer to your spouse inside and outside the bedroom, bring your secrets out into the open and encourage him/her to do the same.
6. You should be physically monogamous AND mentally monogamous.
It’s sad that we live in a world, where I have to clarify this, but monogamy is the only way a marriage can work. Don’t look outside your marriage to fulfill your sexual needs, and I would argue that this includes porn. Bringing another person into your bed or your mind will eventually destroy the intimacy God intended sex to be enjoyed exclusively between a husband and wife. Your sex life starts with your thought life. Keep your thoughts and fantasies focused on your spouse.
7. Better sex starts with getting better in other areas outside the bedroom.
When communication is better, your sex life will usually improve, so talk, text and flirt with each other throughout the day. When you’re serving each other’s needs in other areas (Guys, this means be willing to do the dishes and help more around the house), your sex life will usually improve. When you show genuine thoughtfulness to one another throughout the day, the night is more likely to end well!
8. Don’t use sex as leverage.
In some marriages, sex (or denying sex) is used as a way to reward or to punish the other spouse. Over time, this practice will cheapen the power of sex, cause resentment and also erode the trust and intimacy in your marriage. Never use sex as a form of leverage, control, reward or punishment. See it as a sacred gift to be freely enjoyed together in marriage.
9. Don’t put your sex life on hold while you’re raising your kids or you might wind up with an “empty nest” and an “empty marriage”!
When you’re raising kids, it takes more time and intentionality to prioritize your sex life, but it’s well worth the effort! In fact, I think one of the best gifts you can give your kids is the security that comes from seeing their mom and dad in a loving, affectionate committed relationship with each other. Obviously, still, lock the door while the kids are in the house, but “grossing them out” by kissing and being affectionate with each other is actually a good thing. Have the kind of marriage that makes them actually want to get married someday!
10. Have fun!
Sex is supposed to be fun, so enjoy it! As you do, you’ll find your stress levels decreasing, your laughter increasing, and a more positive outlook on life together.
For more tips and tools to help you build a rock-solid marriage, check out our podcast, The Naked Marriage (by clicking HERE).